Relationship Trouble Blog

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All couples fight and argue, but it is how they communicate during their conflict that can determine whether they will stay together or not.

Dr. Keith Sanford, a clinical psychologist and an associate professor of psychology and neuroscience at Baylor University, and his research team, studied dozens of couples as they communicated through a fight. He focused on what influences whether a person will use negative or positive communication during an argument.

The most interesting finding is that negative emotions can in fact be a good thing. Sanford described two types of negative emotion, “hard” and “soft”. Hard emotion is associated with asserting power. On the other hand, soft emotion is associated with expressing vulnerability. Sanford and his team found that hard emotion escalated fights, and that soft emotion is beneficial for relationships. Soft emotion increases a couple’s motivation to address a conflict and often leads to productive approaches toward resolving the conflict.

People think that all negative emotion is bad but Dr.Sanford found that that simply isn’t the case: “As humans, we are very sensitive to ‘is this person going to fight against me or cooperate with me.’ If you say more things that signal that you willing to cooperate, that can make all the difference”, Sanford said.

While some forms of technology, for example cell phones or e-mails, can help relationships survive long distances, chronic television watching affects how people communicate in relationships.

According to Glenn Sparks, a professor of communication and mass media effects expert at Purdue University, watching television or a movie together might be a fun thing to do, but too much TV can interfere with getting to know someone or maintaining a relationship.

Professor Sparks’ research shows that television viewing reduces the amount of time spent talking, listening and making eye contact when people are in the same room.

“There may be programs we like to watch together” Sparks says, “This is good, but there is a concern that a television that will always interfere with how we communicate”.

Turning off the television is the best gift you can give to your partner this Valentine’s Day.

No-one has a perfect relationship, but we can try to have one. Here are some tips:

- Be yourself from the start of a relationship

- If your partner is doing something that is irritating to you, don’t put up with it. Talk about it and let your partner know how you feel.

- Spend time together every day - even if it’s only for 5 minutes. Talk, kiss, and enjoy each other’s company.

- Do fun things together, for example exercise together or take a cooking class together.

- Compliment your partner every day. Make him/her feel good. Be sincere.

- Learn to be a good listener.

- If you really have to argue - argue softly.

- Go out on a double-date with another couple and try to learn more about their relationship. Ask them for advice if you want.

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If you want to be a good husband follow these tips:

- Be the person she knows that she can always count on.

- Show an interest in her hobbies, and other things she like, and talk to her about things that interest you.

- Do “little” things for her (making her coffee, making breakfast…)

- Give her space - every woman needs to spend some time with her female friends

- Never, ever lie to her.

- Take care of the children (read them a bedtime story, spend time with them outside…)

- Don’t treat her like a housemaid.

- Your wife should be more important to you than some other family members, for example your parents.

- Be the most romantic man in the world. (compared to things listed above, this is not that difficult)

- Give her unconditional love. This means loving her no matter what.

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These are some suggestions important for every marriage:

- When your husband comes home, always greet him with a smile that says that you are happy to see him.

- Be his greatest supporter and try to understand his needs.

- Try to be beautiful for him, inside and out. Every husband loves to see that his wife cares about herself.

- Nagging can destroy any marriage. Instead of nagging, ask once, then try again the next day and ask again, nicely.

- Give him space - let him go out with his friends.

- Don’t lie and manipulate him.

- Expect the best from him - men love that

- Say “I love you” and mean it. Give him a feeling of trust and safety and he will love you unconditionally.

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